life

I apologize for my lack of posts as of late. I've been having a difficult time sleeping, so I've been pretty out of it for the past few days.

have you ever been stuck in the same routine and you hate yourself for it, but you don't stop regardless?
thats me at the moment. I'm so indecisive that I will almost always end up just not making a decision on something and hoping it will work itself out...I would say about 99% of the time, It doesn't.

I hate long lists of questions, I hate pressure, and I hate when people don't have common sense. You can't do anything in life without dealing with all three of these things. getting a job, going to college, getting a drivers license, heck even dating require dealing with questions. pressure and stupid people. Some people see these obstacles and decide to overcome them, then feel great when they do. I see the problems ahead, and if I decide to overcome them, I feel exhausted and unaccomplished when the task is done, It almost never helps my emotional, spiritual, or mental well-being, and while it may help society to see me as more "normal" or gain some material things, who cares??? my own self is being eaten up in the process and slowly but surely becoming that grumpy old man who yells at kids all day.

This is what I would like to tell everyone who pressures me to do things, but then they tell me I'm a lowlife or I'm throwing my life away, or something along those lines. encouragement is helpful, "your a slob" does not. This is the way I think, Its not necessarily the way I act. I go against my own mind almost daily to accomplish meaningless tasks, and the things everyone else sees as easy, makes my brain automatically produce the hulk gene, I don't know why, but I basically have to go against everything my intuition tells me not to do in order to accomplish almost everything. strange as it may sound, If I were doing these same tasks for someone else who legitimately needed me to do them in order to help them, It would make them 10 times easier.

I'm at a period where the future is wide open, I have no idea what comes next. sure, I've got a plan, but plans change, situations change. I don't know what to do with my life right now and I feel like I just need to go...I don't know why, I just need to get off this island, get away from here, for good. The thought frightens me and yet It's all I can think about, leaving everything I know behind and just hoofing it. I don't wan't a rich life, I wan't an adventurous one. I would rather my grandchildren have stories than money. money is soon gone, stories last forever.